Dearest Ash,

My kids are so rotten.  They’re totally hyper and like to break whatever rules I give.  Here’s an example:  I told them to pick up their rooms, and instead of picking it up, they go in there and play with their stuff.  They’re in first and third grade. I yell, and I threaten to spank them, but nothing works.  I’ve tried bribery with sweet treats, and I’ve tried to see if they will help each other.  Nothing! Ahhhhh!!!

Gonna Lose it in Wits End

Dear Wits,

Oh, how I know what you’re saying, here.  I’ve been there myself, and it is enough to make any sane person utterly bonkers!!   Here are a few key points to remember:

• They are still just children, learning from their environment.  One of the rewards they may be getting from this scenario is your emotional reaction.
• Threats are useless with a huge number of children.  And often, as the threats become more and more extreme, they lose their value because they either know you won’t hold up your end of the threat, and/or they are willing to take the consequences because the initial behavior is worth it to them.

By their age, they ARE old enough to help with chores.  They won’t perform nearly as well as you do, but it’s the effort that counts while they’re still young.   By their age, they should be able to do some things on their own, but you’ll need to provide some sort of incentive.  What I’m saying here, is that bribery DOES work, if you do it right.  Most of the time, kids need to know that their reward is going to actually happen.  They might also need to know what the reward is before they will do the things you need them to.

My suggestion is this:  Ask them for their help.  At the same time, give them some options.  One option is that they sit and read quietly (apart) while you clean their rooms for them.  Another option is that they can help you with their rooms, individually while the other one plays or reads quietly.   While they’re helping you, it’s important that you are kind in your requests, and simultaneously expressing gratitude for their help (even if you expect them to help you).  For instance, at the beginning of the “project,” tell them how thankful you are for their time spent making their room nice.   Say thank you’s frequently during the process.  They will begin to love the positive attention more than they fear the negative attention.  At the end of the project, be sure to actually give them the reward that you promised to them.

Parenting is just as much a research project as any other life experience.  It’s important that you try new things and figure out what works.  What works for one will not necessarily work for the either.  While you must be fair, you also have to remember that you’re the adult.  This means not getting emotional in response to their emotions.  It also means that you have the last word– even if the child wants to argue.  In fact– don’t allow an argument between yourself and the child.  Instead, if the child has something useful to add to the request, you acknowledge it and possibly compromise.  But if the child’s response is argumentative, emotional, or offers no value to the experience then it’s time to reiterate the request and end the conversation.