Dearest Ash:

My husband and his three kids and I live together in a small home.   His kids are disrespectful to me, and they often will do exactly the opposite of what I ask them to do.  When I try to enforce a rule, they either ignore me or argue with me. I’ve tried being patient, and I’ve tried being nice.  The kids do alright with their own parents, yet seem to have no respect for me.  What do I do?

About Done, NC

Dear About Done,

It sounds like you are suffering from what I like to call Non-Functioning Step Parent syndrome.  :)

My guess is that your husband and the kids’ mom do not back you up as a parent.   Collectively, you three have failed to establish you as the third parental role for these kids.  Remember, it is not the kids who are the problem, but your lack of authority in the situation.  That’s the most difficult part to remember as a step-parent– don’t blame the kids.  By nature, kids react to the situations they’re given.

That being said, I encourage you to focus your energy on improving your relationship with BOTH dad and mom.  I know it sounds like a faux pas to befriend the kids’ mom, but it’s really important that the parental structure is as cohesive as possible.  That, and then you won’t having a power struggle with both their mom and the children.

Second, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband.  Express your frustration in a non-attacking way.  And then suggest that you two work together to devise boundaries for the kids.   In order for a step-parenting situation to be successful, you both need to have FULL authority to discipline the kids.   Now this doesn’t mean I’m advocating you to spank or whatnot– what I mean by this is that when you enlist a “rule” the kids need to follow it with the knowledge that if they don’t, YOU will dole out the consequences.  Do not defer the consequences to their father.   You and he need to agree that if you are going to live in these children’s lives as a parental figure, then you will have to be able to give them the parental guidance that they’re desparately asking for.

Your kids NEED you to be strong.  Not mean, but capable of wearing the hat that you’ve been given.  Be consistent and firm when you need to be.  When they need comfort, give that to them.  Never cut down your husband or their mom in front of them, and expect that they do the same for you.   As a three-parent structure, these kids are lucky because they get 50% more attention than kids with only two parents.  Present that to them as an advantage.  And show the kids in what you say and do that their parental front is united, not broken.

You’ve got a huge task ahead of you.  If it is worth it being in a relationship with your husband, I know you will find a way to make it work.